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Airports: The Great Equalizers

August 23, 2011

Good morning friends, blends, and strangers who love/hate flying.

I was so excited that so many of you enjoyed my recap of the Healthy Living Summit Cocktail Party.  Big shout out to Katy Widrick for the twitter love, spreading my words far and wide to her many followers and fans.

Even though the cocktail party was a blast, I’ll admit, there was one aspect of the trip to Philly (or rather, from) that cast a hideous pallor over my memories.

Not unlike the beautiful skin tone of Lord Voldy. (Click image for source)

That thing was so awful that it even warranted an angry tweet from yours truly.

You should never tweet angry. But sometimes, I do.

See, the beau and I are starting the long distance relationship thing a little early this week, with him leaving for a business trip and me heading back to North Carolina, also for work. He called me early Monday morning when his flight landed to say good morning and inquire about my weekend.  And, as we all saw in yesterday’s post, yes, I may be a bit of a loud character.

If you went from hot tub to snow, you'd be screaming, too!

But when the fellow across from me shushed me, I couldn’t help but (quietly) ask,

“Excuse me?”

“I said ‘Shh’…. I don’t want to hear your conversation.”

……………………………oh.  I’m sorry. I thought this was America.  Not District 12 (Bonus points for Hunger Games reference understanding) where we have to be silent coyotes for the sake of everyone around us and to make sure we don’t offend President Snow (who this guy reminds me of.  Roll with me on the Hunger Games train. And if you’re not, read them now.  You will thank me.)

And yes, maybe I was loud.  I tend to be. But that’s the thing about airports.  EVERYONE is loud.  All around us, there were babies crying, folks trying to get a hold of their rides (“What?! Terminal B?  Did you say BEE or SMEE?! WHERE IS TERMINAL SMEE?!”), tearful phone goodbyes, video game playing, iPod listening.  It’s a loud place.  And I think that sometimes, for infrequent travelers (I am the opposite of this), they forget that, for some of us, the airport is part of our day-to-day lives.

When I looked up in horror at this jerk, all I felt was a totally mind-consuming rage.

Face has been covered because I realized it's not nice to tweet angry.

I think my thought process was something along these lines:

“Who does this ass-hat think he is? Look at him, sitting with that smug su-do-ku playing look on his face [you know the one that all good sudoku-ers get when they su].  I bet he regularly powerwalks past slower walkers in his neighborhood track, and looks back at them, and shakes his head.  Yeah, he’s probably that kind of dude. I wonder if he’s ever purposefully spilled a drink on someone, or elbowed them for getting too close on public transportation. Likely.”

When he got up and left his stuff, I had crazy-person thoughts like “I want to follow him playing sounds of screaming babies on my phone.  is that a ringtone that I have?” I promise I didn’t look (but the thought crossed my mind.)

Airports somehow (and frequently) bring out the worst in some people.  I’ve seen folks have to be split up by TSA agents because they’ve started fights over who was supposed to board first.  This is not a joke.  I’ve watched people butt in front of entire hours worth of security lines, then receive death threats from the folks behind them. The pressure of flights leaving you behind, connecting flights, long lines, and expensive food just seems to put people on edge and make them total grouchballs.  And one grouchball leads to another, and then you have a collective rage blackout and forget how you ended up in a pile of cinnabons and $9 beer puddles with blood on your knuckles.

It.... it all happened so fast.

Luckily, on rare occasions, they can also bring out the best. Because I’ve also watched people share their overpriced Chinese food and laugh like they’ve been BFF when they find out their flight’s delayed due to thunderstorms.  Once, I even saw a Charlotte, NC local offer their guest room for someone whose flight was canceled until the next day.  Having slept over at the Charlotte airport before due to flight cancellations and rescheduling, I remember staying up late, chatting with my fellow airport warriors about past stories and bonding over our mutual tragedy.

The Real Tragedy? This was my bed.

As I fumed with rage blackout potential, I tried to remember those good times.  The laughter, the kindness of the occasional fellow passenger.  Heck, early yesterday morning, my undies fell out of my carry on and a wonderful lady alerted me, in the shadiest manner possible, that I had panties gone rogue.

Who, me?

And so I didn’t do anything rash, like mash a banana into his carry on or report him for sexual harassment and potential dangerous weapon concealment to TSA.  I just decided to walk away.

Whether you’re mean or nice, tall or short, old or young, rich or me poor, you can’t change what happens at the airport. You can’t bypass the security lines, you can’t MAKE the pilot take-off faster, you can’t demand that there be less traffic on the runway.  Airports are the great equalizer.  Maybe that guy chose to respond negatively, and be in a bad mood, but I chose to rise above it (quite literally) in the air, and had a wonderful conversation with my seat-buddy.

I still hope that guy was forced to sit by the toilet and that it smelled.  I hope it smelled REAL bad.

20 Comments leave one →
  1. August 23, 2011 8:56 am

    Hey Jordan! great meeting you at HLS :)

    That guy is a total d-bag!!

  2. August 23, 2011 9:27 am

    I hate when people are mean spirited for no reason other than thinking they are above everyone else. Glad you recovered the rogue panties. :) Miss you already!

  3. August 23, 2011 9:56 am

    You are so freakin hilarious

  4. August 23, 2011 10:24 am

    That would annoy me to no end. Really? People don’t talk on the phone in public places anymore? Never got the memo on that one! What a jerk.

    • August 23, 2011 1:23 pm

      I feel like, if I had giant ladyballs of steel, I would’ve told him to bag his face because “I don’t wanna see how you look.”

      But I TRIED to rise above. It was a lot of effort.

  5. Carly D. @ CarlyBananas permalink
    August 23, 2011 11:12 am

    I am so glad I met you this weekend, Jordan! You’re hilarious. And I love the HG references. I bet his luggage was full of blood scented roses. *vom*

  6. August 23, 2011 1:04 pm

    I was at the train station arguing with my sister on the phone and getting a bit upset when a turd-muncher (who looks strikingly like the turd-muncher pictured above) told me he thought my conversation was ridiculous. I looked at him and said, “I agree- will you handle this for me?” and held out the phone. He stared at me and then walked away.

    Maybe the douche above was pining for your attention and jealous that you weren’t speaking loudly to HIM…. Food for thought…

  7. August 23, 2011 1:49 pm

    what a jerk! i secretly wish that you DID play crying baby noises hahaha that would be hilarious. the only airport that stresses me out is LAX. everytime I fly through there I feel like I’m seconds away from missing a connecting flight (one time I did miss it and I started sobbing and just couldn’t stop < < that time of month maybe?) still scarred.

    • August 23, 2011 4:26 pm

      I had that happen when I was in Rome, Italy. Trying to get to paris. Missed my flight, don’t speak italian, no access to a computer. Crying belongs in situations like that.

  8. August 23, 2011 2:04 pm

    Your writing is exactly like you are in person and it cracks me up. Keep doing your thing. Tell me about this bf, this is a new development since vball and lunchbox.

  9. August 23, 2011 7:29 pm

    I’ve been hushed on several occasions for my enthusiasm in a conversation. WTF to that guy! I hope all his flights in the future are drastically delayed.

    I have to say I am SO happy I discovered your blog via the HLS hashtag this weekend. I would have partied it up with you, tiara and all.

  10. August 24, 2011 10:07 am

    That guy needs to get some noise canceling headphones if he can’t pay attention to his sudoku without tuning out other people! And who shushes people? Glad you got back safely!

  11. August 24, 2011 2:40 pm

    I love the way you write. Total crack-up. And yeah, I agree, everytime I travel by air I end up a total grouchball (that’s a great word, stealing it, hope you don’t mind, thanks).

    Why is the fastest way of travel the most aggravating?! ARGH! You should’ve sharpied all over his su do ku.

  12. August 24, 2011 9:23 pm

    LOL- I may fall towards the douchey end of the spectrum here… on my way home from the ATL to CLT airport Sunday afternoon I got seated beside a lady and her approximately seven year old boy who KEPT TALKING FOR GOD’S SAKE. In his high pitched whiny voice. “Why? Why? Why? MOM MOM MOM HEY WHY IS THE PLANE MOVING MOM?” so I took it upon myself to heave a huge sigh, eyeball him and jam my earbuds into my ears and crank the volume up.

    Oh well… maybe she will have learned to answer her kid when she’s on public transit from now on.

  13. August 25, 2011 1:15 am

    He looks like he would clear his throat a lot. I hope somebody tells him enough already, one of these days.

    Good self-restraint, just walking away. I applaud you.

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