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This is How a Heart Breaks

October 9, 2012

The moments after you’re dumped, I’m pretty sure you feel every single emotion and feeling possible. Well, if you’re me, you do.

I think it went something like this:

heartbreak.depression.rage.shame.freedom.desperation.exhaustion.chaos.pride.disappointment.vengeance.impatience.boredom.fury(is that the same as rage? Whatever, I felt it).fear.dread.tension.stress.thrill.infatuation.love.hate.insecurity.humiliation.homesickness.astonishment.loathing.contempt.acceptance.empathy.frustration.regret.hostility.loneliness.homesickness.

Lucky for me, that last one was easy to remedy.  Thank GOODNESS this happened after I moved back to Pennsylvania. I can only imagine how much of a lost soul I’d be in North Carolina (not that my buddies in the land of the long leaf pine wouldn’t hook me up with love and support). But, after I semi-stopped crying (don’t worry, I picked up back up quite a few times) I packed a bag or two (I literally have no clue what’s in those bags… emotional packing is equivalent to rolling around in glue, then roll around in all of your belongings, and then shake off whatever you collected into a bag).

My mother and sister hopped in a car without asking any questions, drove to my home (that, up until recently, I shared with my partner) and grabbed my bags full of random whatnot to toss them in the car.

I’ll save everyone details of the breakup, but I’ll say that I wasn’t totally SHOCKED, and that while I can see some of the reasoning behind why he dumped me, I had no desire or intention to break up. I didn’t grovel (though I contemplated doing it). I didn’t cry hysterically. HA, come on y’all, you know me. I’d hysterically cry at a Taylor Swift music video about a couple breaking up… You better believe my shirt sleeves are soaked with salty tears.

I’m not sure what exactly to do with myself now. I’ll continue living in my apartment (score). I’ve got midterms this week, so there’s no real time to dwell too much on my feelings. And then I’m off to GABF on Friday morning… But, I’ll admit, the moment I came home, I just wanted to sit with my mom and sister and eat a grilled cheese and try not to feel feelings anymore.

Grilled Cheese? Yes, please.

I don’t know what exactly I’ll do next… but I know that I’m SO grateful for the immediate outpouring of support and love from my family, my friends, and even all of you crazy readers who don’t even know me IRL, but occasionally like what I tweet.

Whatever happens, I’ve got a support blanket full of loved ones, a belly full of grilled cheese, and the world at my finger tips. And maybe, just maybe, extremely optimistic cliches will help disguise my heart breaking into a million little pieces so that I can build myself back into the confident, brave, proud SWF that I know I can be.

21 Comments leave one →
  1. October 9, 2012 12:25 am

    You are strong and awesome. You can do this. I’m sorry though.

  2. Jenny permalink
    October 9, 2012 7:30 am

    1) that sucks, and I’m sorry. 2) If you need to get away, you can head to Bloomington IN to meet a stranger and I’ll take you hiking, ziplining, and we have a new biergarden that opened last weekend. 3) watch a million youtube videos about whale babies, kitties vs. vacuums, or dudes getting hit in the nuts with baseballs. Trust me, they’ll eventually make you feel better. 4. Keep a bag of cucumber slices and used tea bags in the fridge–they’re great for crying eyes. Try to take care!

  3. Anna Mitrik permalink
    October 9, 2012 8:09 am

    Thinking about you girl! Sending support from down south!

  4. October 9, 2012 8:48 am

    I’m also in shock! I am sending lots of love and support your way through the internet. I love that part about rolling in glue and I had a visual of you partaking in that activity. Stay strong and continue to be your wonderful self. Chicago always welcomes you if you need to getaway.

  5. October 9, 2012 8:52 am

    Oh, I’m so sorry! Breakups are no fun, even when you know it’s for the best.

    Glad you have a good support system, moms and sisters are the best. If you feel like checking out Dallas’ craft brew scene, let me know!

  6. October 9, 2012 9:16 am

    Im so sorry Jordan! Break ups are no fun not matter what the circumstances are! One thing I always tell myself post break up is “success is the best revenge” the thought of how good it will feel when you see your ex and are able to be all I am doing so well and doing so much always makes me feel better! You will be sure to have some rough days and some ones where you feel ok. You are a strong women, I know you will be ok in the end!

  7. October 9, 2012 9:37 am

    I’ve already sent you texts and love, but feel the need to continue it here. You will pull through, as I think you rightly know, but as I’ve told anyone else that has recently been through a breakup (why does it seem to be happening a lot right now?!), let yourself feel EVERY emotion, and heal at your own pace. Forcing yourself to ignore your feelings will only delay healing, as I’ve learned. I hope when you get back from an awesome time at GABF we can have a vent session with good food (which I promised I’d make for you!!!). Lots of love to you, hun, you’re an amazing chick and someone can only hope to be with a girl like you. :)

  8. October 9, 2012 10:05 am

    I’m so sorry to hear that! We’ve never met IRL but I do feel like I know you at least a little- and one thing that is evident from your blog is that you are STRONG! You will totally get through this. And one other thing- school can be terrible in these types of situations, but in my most emotional and traumatic periods of life it has really helped me AND I’ve done well in the process… so go own those midterms ladyface! I’m rooting for you!

  9. October 9, 2012 11:34 am

    I’m so sorry! BIG HUG! It sucks that you guys lived together. That makes it even more complicated. Been there! Years ago I was living with my first love, not working and going to school. We lived together in Oregon, all my family in Seattle. When we broke up I had no money because I was going to school. It was heartbreaking but having to move back home was worse. It did make me stronger, though. I became a super strong, self-sufficient woman and got my shit together. It ended up being a good thing for me (not that this makes you feel any better right now). Hang in there. Chat me up anytime you need to vent!

  10. October 9, 2012 12:02 pm

    Lots of love and hugs! I am glad that you have your family close by to lean really hard on. Hope you can focus on midterms (who does that to someone before midterms, or finals week?? dayum!) and keep on being the awesomeness that is you!

  11. October 9, 2012 12:43 pm

    Hang in there!

  12. October 9, 2012 2:23 pm

    Yikes. Reddit has a good section that might help you with the initial blah of this whole situation.

    http://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUps/

    Condolences.

  13. Maggie Mistretta permalink
    October 9, 2012 10:59 pm

    Dearest Jordan, I heard your heart break into a million pieces. My advice is to regroup, reflect,reconnect, relax and let the tears flow. I know this time feels unbearable, but you will get through this with love of family and friends. You have lots of both my dear. Keep writing, you are gifted sweet tough chick!! Maggie

  14. October 10, 2012 1:08 pm

    Men are such idiots. You are awesome. Keep your chin up sister!!

  15. October 10, 2012 8:37 pm

    Oh girl, so sorry. :(

  16. October 14, 2012 10:55 am

    So glad you have family nearby to, literally, pick you up. Get through those mid-terms and treat yourself to some indulgences.

  17. October 14, 2012 4:15 pm

    Boys suck. You rule. Enjoy that grilled cheese and a the beer that I’m sure went with it. HUGS!!! <3

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