This is How a Heart Breaks

The moments after you’re dumped, I’m pretty sure you feel every single emotion and feeling possible. Well, if you’re me, you do.

I think it went something like this:

heartbreak.depression.rage.shame.freedom.desperation.exhaustion.chaos.pride.disappointment.vengeance.impatience.boredom.fury(is that the same as rage? Whatever, I felt it).fear.dread.tension.stress.thrill.infatuation.love.hate.insecurity.humiliation.homesickness.astonishment.loathing.contempt.acceptance.empathy.frustration.regret.hostility.loneliness.homesickness.

Lucky for me, that last one was easy to remedy.  Thank GOODNESS this happened after I moved back to Pennsylvania. I can only imagine how much of a lost soul I’d be in North Carolina (not that my buddies in the land of the long leaf pine wouldn’t hook me up with love and support). But, after I semi-stopped crying (don’t worry, I picked up back up quite a few times) I packed a bag or two (I literally have no clue what’s in those bags… emotional packing is equivalent to rolling around in glue, then roll around in all of your belongings, and then shake off whatever you collected into a bag).

My mother and sister hopped in a car without asking any questions, drove to my home (that, up until recently, I shared with my partner) and grabbed my bags full of random whatnot to toss them in the car.

I’ll save everyone details of the breakup, but I’ll say that I wasn’t totally SHOCKED, and that while I can see some of the reasoning behind why he dumped me, I had no desire or intention to break up. I didn’t grovel (though I contemplated doing it). I didn’t cry hysterically. HA, come on y’all, you know me. I’d hysterically cry at a Taylor Swift music video about a couple breaking up… You better believe my shirt sleeves are soaked with salty tears.

I’m not sure what exactly to do with myself now. I’ll continue living in my apartment (score). I’ve got midterms this week, so there’s no real time to dwell too much on my feelings. And then I’m off to GABF on Friday morning… But, I’ll admit, the moment I came home, I just wanted to sit with my mom and sister and eat a grilled cheese and try not to feel feelings anymore.

Grilled Cheese? Yes, please.

I don’t know what exactly I’ll do next… but I know that I’m SO grateful for the immediate outpouring of support and love from my family, my friends, and even all of you crazy readers who don’t even know me IRL, but occasionally like what I tweet.

Whatever happens, I’ve got a support blanket full of loved ones, a belly full of grilled cheese, and the world at my finger tips. And maybe, just maybe, extremely optimistic cliches will help disguise my heart breaking into a million little pieces so that I can build myself back into the confident, brave, proud SWF that I know I can be.