Memoirs of a Road Warrior

Yesterday, for nine hours, I was a road warrior. A trip that, in the past, has taken me a mere 6.5-7 hours transformed into a nine hour driving bonanza.  I figured there’d be no harm in inviting you into my brain during those nine glorious hours.  Here are the thoughts I thought, the sights I saw, and musings along the way.

Heck yeah! 10:30, getting started early!! I’ll be home in time for an early dinner!

Every time I see Oxford on a sign, whether it’s in North Carolina or Pennsylvania, I wish it was for Mississippi.

I am so hungry. Why didn’t I eat before I left?  I’ll just hold off until 12:30. If I can make it until then, I’ll be more than a quarter through the trip! [how wrong I was.]

Marlboro Country?

Good to know the cigarette business is alive and kicking.

Driving through Virginia is like inviting all of my country music dreams to come to life.


You know what would go so well with leftover salad?

Solid choice.

Salad + Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Nuggets + Fries = balanced meal.

I’m pretty sure that Taylor Swift and I would be great friends in real life. She might get mad that I couldn’t French braid her hair, though. That’s okay, I’m sure she has people for that.

Since when is a medium soda the size of my face?  There’s no way I’ll be able to finish this.

*rattling of ice* Wow, was that it?

[20 minutes later] gotta pee.

Gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee.

I know… I will just get through DC. Once I pass DC, I will get gas and use the restroom.

Thank goodness I have this GPS, I’d never know where I was going.

[At this point, I blindly followed my GPS that hasn’t been updated for 4 years.]

Uh oh.

Washington Monument or America's peen?

I am not a cartographer, but I’m pretty certain that “around DC” is not the same as “through DC”.  This is going to get messy.

Neat. Now I’m in the middle of Washington DC, no idea of how to get around, hoping to God that this GPS can steer me home.

Bumper to bumper traffic. Score.

Whoah, jam.

Upon closer look, apparently the streets of DC are fans of Lisa.  Or just Okies, in general.

I can’t STAND when people’s cars are so covered in bumper stickers that you feel like you’re reading their biography.

Oh my LORD I have to pee. It’s the only time in my life I’ve ever wanted the equpment to pee in a bottle.

FINALLY through Washington!! Time to PEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

And also, time to practice my straw whistling skills. I’m super skilled. (At looking gorgeous and having flawless skin.)

Oooh, is it snowing?!


Turns out it was actually bits of paper and trash coming off the back of this truck. Thank goodness I wasn’t dreaming of a white Christmas.

Hooray! I’m back on I95!! Next stop, HOME!

No, wait, just more traffic.

[at this point, I called my Dad for a back way. then got trigger happy, and took the first turn I saw. BIG mistake.]

Oh, great, one lane road 40 MPH. Lesson of the evening?

Appearances can be deceiving.

Just because a sign says Route 1, doesn’t mean it’s the Route 1 you want to get on. It could be Maryland 1. Or Pennsylvania 1. Or a sign made by a young child. Either way, it’s going to take forever to get home.

Thank GOD for NPR! Today, I learned about Cancer, Pakistan, Doula services, migratory patterns of birds, and NASDAQ.  Jealous?

2 hours later, one GIANT accident navigated around (smart phone to the rescue!), and about 70 miles later…. Is that the intoxicating smell of my mother’s THOUSANDS of candles?!


I have arrived.

Favorite part of road trips?

Mine is probably the point where you lose all control of being logical and normal and start talking to yourself.





3 thoughts on “Memoirs of a Road Warrior

  1. Oh my gosh 9 hours?! Good lord that’s a long time! I was a bit nervous you were going to use the soda cup as a way to – um – not have to use the bathroom anymore? I have a 8 hr drive on NYE that I am notttt looking forward to! My favorite part of road trips are the road trip snacks!!

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